How to Tell if You're a Hipster

For all hipsterical intents and purposes (see, new words, that's hipster), I'll be writing this guide in the negative.

1. You're probably not a hipster if you don't have a vinyl LP library.

2. You're probably not a hipster if your fingers aren't green from your excessive use of rings.

3. If you've showered any time within the past three days, you're probably not a hipster.

4. You're probably not a hipster if you've ever used the word "hipster."

5. If you use glasses, it's probably because you can't see, and not because you're hipster.

6. If you wear fake glasses, you're definitely not a hipster.

7. You're probably not a hipster if you drive a car.

8. You're probably not a hipster if you aren't an active member of the Green Party.

9. If you're not vegan, you probably aren't hipster either.

10. Do you hate wearing mom jeans? Then you're not a hipster. 

11. You're not hipster if you live in the suburbs.

12. Actually, you're probably not a hipster if you don't live in Williamsburg.

13. Unless you use irony ironically, sorry, but you're not a hipster.

14. If you wear ugly sweaters, it's because you have bad taste and not because you're hipster.

15. If your sarcasm makes people cry, well hey, you might be a little hipster. Or just a really mean person but hey

Long Time No Post

A lady at the grocery store yelled at me for not answering her question. I couldn't figure out how to tell her that I don't work at Giant... I just wanted some gum...

It's 11:18 and I Haven't Started My Homework

I was talking to one of my dearest friends, when we came to the realization that our lives have just gone downhill since freshman year.
Just recently, I learned that my life is so meaningless to the point that I can't even pass those spam filters. That's right, the internet thinks I'm spam. I was rejected by the Internet, not once, not twice, but three times within the last 10 minutes.
Other reasons why my life sucks:
I always thought I was the favorite child. But no, in the past 5 years, my dad has sent me a total of 1 text message. I always text him, but he never answers me. I thought he was just a busy guy, but no, apparently he's not too preoccupied because he's constantly texting my sister:
         My sister: hey
         My dad: hey
         My sister: what's up dad?
         My dad: watching Netflix
         My sister: I'm going to teach you how to text like cool ppl
In addition, not too long ago, I realized I used to be cool. Then I joined marching band. No, not even matching band, I joined the color guard. Since then, I've had random bruises all over my body, and I managed to hit my lip in a way that even my dentists are worrying about my safety. I can't yawn without nearly crying.
I'm also just going to put this out there, I'm terrible at the violin. They should have made me stop when I walked into my first lesson in third grade holding my violin upside-down, ready to play.
Oh, I'm also struggling to keep a decent grade in ENGLISH CLASS. What is this?! How is it that I understand THE CALCULUS more than english?
I cant walk in a straight line
My favorite pen died
My favorite pen was discontinued
I don't know what day it is
I still haven't started homework

More self-deprecation to come later, folks

The Usual

Here's a picture of me being a cannibal

Happy Halloween!

What's better than marching band?

Everything.

Can you guess what I am?!

Story of My Life

I'm at that emotional state in my life right now where I exaggerate every single little thing that happens. I'm constantly finding faults, not necessarily of mine, but with the world as a whole. So I just spent the last 15 minutes crying, not because the government is stupid or because slavery is still rampant around the world, or because I ran out of popcorn, but because of the ice cream truck.
I was sitting, studying for my literary terms quiz, when suddenly, I heard the joyous melody of the ice cream truck. For some reason, my first reaction was to run to the window and look at all of the kids that were being treated to ice cream, because seeing other people happy in turn makes me happy! (is that creepy? I dont think it's creepy. I'm publishing this anyway. #yolo) But wanna know what I saw? Darkness and rain surrounding the solitary ice cream truck. It's not right that the sun is setting at 6:30 pm, and it certainly is not right that there are ice cream-less children out there. I am going to start my own political party to address these grievances.
More details on that later.

Just in case you were wondering, I had a bowl of cookies and cream.

So This Is the Story All About How My Life got Flipped Turned Upside-Down

I know this is a really hackneyed saying, but I just found out my childhood is a lie.

What prompts me to use this trite and drastic phrase, you ask?

So I was just sitting on my bedroom floor, scrolling through my newsfeed, when my sister walked into my room: "Hey, can I borrow this? Oh, by the way did you know that Zac Efron doesn't actually sing in High School Musical?"

OMG WHAT?

Of course I didn't believe her, I mean she's my little sister... You can only trust those Directioners so much... So the skeptic in me had to look it up... And, alas, 'twas true.

I might need a couple days to really take in this information. I need to pull out my mourning clothes. Okay, first I need to buy mourning clothes. Guys, I honestly don't even know what to do, or with whom to converse about this tragedy.

This is worse than that time when Josh suddenly wasn't fat anymore. No, Josh, you need to be fat. Drake and Josh is the greatest show in the world. But I digress.

Ugh life.

 PS. I've known the entire opening rap for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air since third grade. At least I still have that.

Bonne Anniversaire à Moi!

Wanna know how great my birthdays are?

So today, I got home from school, and my seven-year-old brother ran up to my sister and wished her a happy birthday. Not only is it not enough that he can't remember what day I was born, it seems that I have the tendency to forget, as well. I think I must have asked like 3 classmates for today's date. But hey, I had a decent number of people wish me a happy eighteenth birthday! Just one year early, guys.

Reclaiming the Use of my Imagination

So I have A LOT of drafts in my blog. I have the tendency to begin posts, and then I don't have time to finish, so they are just forever stranded in the purgatory that is the drafts folder. I was just cleaning out my drafts and decided to publish this one, so here we go! (this is one is pretty old)

Last week was rough, for a variety of reasons. This morning, I was in a pretty bad mood to begin, and at around 8:03 pm today, the only thing I wanted to do was go up to my bedroom, watch videos of Regina Spektor, and eat strawberry yogurt. So that's what I did.
Whenever I watch Regina on YouTube, I feel the need to text my friend about it, so I did. Now, this person is never the type who says very much; the only thing I was expecting in reply was an, "oh, cool!" and that's essentially what I got, but with a follow-up: "I've had the oddest day today!" Naturally, I inquired what made this day so odd, thinking it would be something weird like chickens crossing the road or a baby panda working the ice cream counter or something. But no, it was a combination of every day, normal things that just seemed to make this person extremely happy, which in turn made me really happy, too! Suddenly, I was no longer in this horrible mood! It was even better than a snow day! So, here's a list of weird things that for some reason make me happy.

1) People mowing their lawns. Have you ever noticed how happy people are when they do this?
2) Pictures of bears. I love bears. And anyone that has anything to do with bears. I'm actually going to name my son Baruch so that his nickname can be Bear.

3) Old people. They're so full of stories! And so wise. Life is probably great once you hit sixty... years of age, not miles per hour...

4) People who do nice things. It doesn't even have to be directly related to me! I love seeing people being nice. Like when people hold the door open for others, or when someone drops their things and everyone picks them up. Or even those people that tell everyone to have a nice day!

I think people should just be nice all the time. Nice people are... nice!

"Smile, darn ya, smile!"

Malcontent Through Osmosis

I am now entering my final hours before I begin my senior year. Gosh, I sure am terrified. I still have two books left, a chapter of gov, and all of my AP French work...
Not to mention that it's an absolutely gorgeous day, but I can't enjoy anything under this stress.
The Pros and Cons of Tomorrow:
Pro: I get to see people I haven't seen in forever!
Con: I have to see people I haven't seen in forever
Pro: My modcloth package should be here when I get home tomorrow
Con: I have marching band when I get home tomorrow
Pro: We have stadium lights
Con: We still have marching band tomorrow
Pro: it's almost my 17th birthday
Con: it's on a Monday
Pro: we're seniors and spirit week is in september!
Con: SATs are coming up
Pro: no. there are no pros for standardized testing. con con con con con

HI

HEY SO IM TRYING TO START THIS NEW TREND WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO TYPE IN CAPS LOCK CONSTANTLY. THIS PERIOD IN TIME WILL BE CALLED "THE ERA OF SHOUTING." ALL MUSIC, ART, LITERATURE, ETC WRITTEN DURING THIS TIME WILL BE CATEGORIZED UNDER THIS NAME. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT MAKES SENSE. CAPITAL LETTERS MAKE EVERYTHING SEEM MUCH MORE URGENT, AND WE SORT OF LIVE IN A PERIOD OF URGENCY. I THINK. I DON'T KNOW.

SORRY IF THIS LOOKS LOUD.

Things True Friends Do

You know how mothers always say that their biggest accomplishment is having a baby? Well I sorta feel that way, but with my friends. I like to consider myself a pretty sociable person, which leads me to have a wide variety of friends, and for them, I am forever grateful.
Someone told me it was National Best Friends Day today. While I don't think this is true, it's no excuse not to tell our friends how much we appreciate them. So what do true friends do?
In case you haven't noticed, lists are my preferred method of blogging. Woooo go me.

*clears throat*

1) Write terrible haikus, joke about submitting them to your school's literary magazine, but secretly really want to do it.
"Defenestration

The victims are as follows

Russian journalists"

2) Look people up on white pages and then go to their houses. I have to say that I'm guilty of this with a couple friends. It's not that we're that creepy, there's really only so much you can do at this age.

3) Nickname everyone you've ever seen. We have a name for everyone. Yes, even you.

4) Be there through tears. Are you a teenage girl? You will suffer through that moment in your life where all you can do is cry. This is where your friends come in.

5) Buy your other friend a goldfish for her birthday, name it after a senior boy, keep it in your locker, and then watch it die three days later. Needless to say, I'm not friends with this person anymore.

RIP Pooh Bear. Xoxo.

Other honorable mentions

6) Plan out your future. For example, I'm going to live in Chadds Ford, send my kids (Brynley and Penn) on missions trips, make Brynley take dance lessons, but never let her find out about lacrosse.

7) Pretend our lives are so much more fabulous than they really are. I'm best friends with Serena van der Woodsen. She's our school's "it" girl, but it's awkward for her because she has no one to sit with at lunch.

8) Fawn over videos of cute animals. A baby bear stuck in cabbage at the grocery store? Who needs math homework?

9) Have a correspondence with someone staying in the same hotel as you. Yup, we left notes for some people down the hall. And they wrote back.

10) Eat ice cream.

-----xoxo,

                D.

Hello, Summer.

Oh! So now I remember why I don't like summer! This calls for a list:
1) Mosquito bites. Dude, it's my blood; get your own. If you want blood so badly, next time think twice about being a mosquito.
2) The heat. Hooray for northeastern and mid-Atlantic summers. Not only is it not enough to be 90+ degrees all the time, the weather gods just NEED to torture us with extreme humidity. Oh, and it doesn't help to live in an area so fertile that there are plants everywhere. Dumb plants, stop torturing us with your humidity.
3) The sun. Seriously, you walk outside for like 5 minutes and risk getting skin cancer.
4) Lack of tv choices. New shows and new seasons don't start until fall. Need I say more?
5) Summer work. Summer was more enjoyable back in middle school when the most you had to do was read three books. Personally, I enjoy the social aspect of school. Summer is school without the social aspect. And bugs and heat and sun and lack of tv choices.

Things that Worry Me

1) There are more cellphones than toilets. Sure, the first thing you think is that each person needs an individual cell phone, while not everyone needs their own toilet. But, let's think this through. How many public restrooms are there? In schools? Malls? How many young kids are there? There are so many people in developing countries that go pee in their backyards while utilizing their iPhones. Talk about priorities.

2) Miley Cyrus' new music video. For the record, I know nothing about the commercial endeavors of Miley Cyrus; never would I have stumbled across this had I not met up with a few friends. But omg WHAT THE POOP WAS THAT. Like I guess I just don't understand this new youth culture. I'm so old.

3) Every four seconds, a child dies from hunger, yet there are people like this.

4) I lack the ability to whistle. There, I said it.

5) People that don't realize they're being hypocritical. Okay so the most recent example of this was a car ride with my mom's friend. While my sister and I were holding onto our dear lives in the backseat, she decided to go on a lovely spiel about how many bad drivers are out on the road.

"Y'know girls, you better watch out for these crazy people. They shouldn't even have their licenses. These types are everywhere!"

Oh, believe me, we know.

Don't Tell Your Secrets to Anyone

I really like people. Not individuals, though. I mean, yes, I do like individuals, but what I'm trying to say is that I like humans in general. Okay, so I already told you guys about my shoe thing. Well, the other day, I was reading an article about how a bear was spotted on Princeton's campus. The author then proceeded to tell me what to do in case I encounter a random bear. One of the tips was to avoid eye-contact, which makes sense: I, too, like to avoid threatening 450-pound black bears. Anyway, so it really got me thinking. Eye-contact is truly such a curious thing. The other day, I went out for a walk, and I saw my neighbor's dog up ahead. It was just staring at me with its tiny, little eyes. So to avoid the barking madness that I knew was about to come up, I just refrained from looking at it in the eyes. Problem solved!

But, my friends, humans are not dogs.

Eye contact, in my opinion, is one of the strongest forms of non-verbal communication. Your average, everyday person will maintain eye contact with you while engaged in a conversation. However, if you know me at all, I am often not surrounded by normal people. Sometimes, people look too hard into my eyes. It feels as though they're trying to scan me for my deepest, darkest secrets (luckily for me, I don't think I have any.) And then we have the polar opposite; people who will not look into eyes. Like seriously, is there something wrong with me? We're having a pretty good conversation, why are you sitting like that? Do I intimidate you? Are you so madly in love with me that you can't look me in the eyes? Or does the dark chocolate-y nature of my iris scare you? (If it does, I don't care much for chocolate, either.) Gah, just when you think you're starting to understand people....

This Post Has No Purpose

So, many (none) of you may have noticed that I haven't posted in quite sometime. Well, it's not that I've been lazy or anything (gasp!) I actually started this blog to give me something to do over the summer, but alas, I have actually been quite occupied. I mean, I was "busy" throughout finals week, but that's a different type of busy. That's like, "Hey, I should be doing school work right.... Oh look a computer!" You know, just classic teenage procrastination. Now that I have nothing to avoid, the Internet just isn't as tempting.

It's Summer Again?

Every year during summer vacation, our news feeds go from "omg why is it not summer yet #cantwait #schoolsux #hashtag" to "ugh i never thought i'd say this, but i miss school" and "bored, hmu." They say there are no such things as boring situations, only boring people. But you don't know boring 'til you've met me. Just the other day, my mom told me I was the most boring person she knows. Yes, my own mother. Don't believe me? Here's a recap of my life:
1) Parties? What parties? I go to sleep at 9 pm on the weekends
2) Shopping? Like the mall? I'd much rather be at Staples
3) Wanna hang out? A movie? No thanks, let's go look at some real estate instead
4) Friday night? I'm probably eating a box of donuts in my room

So there you have it... The best years of my life...
#imsocool

Thought of the Day

I'm the type of person that believes we shouldn't judge people by their outward appearances; humans are so complex, there's so much more to them than glasses and hair color. However, as a human being, I am very flawed, and I have to admit that I do indeed judge people at first glance, but not in the traditional way. I usually find myself staring at footwear. No, not because I'm short (okay maybe 'cause I'm short.)

I believe that footwear says almost everything about a person. The following are a series of shoes from my beloved modcloth.com
Exhibit A: The Risk-Taker
Now, don't get me wrong, I sure love dressing up, but seriously? What rational person wakes up one morning and decides to put these on their feet?

Props to the risk-taker for donning these wedged oxfords. I wouldn't even know how to begin putting these on, let alone walk in them..

Exhibit B: The Fearless

In case you don't know me, I'm scared of quite a few things. One of these is butterflies.

Oh my, I shudder whenever I even think of them! Honestly, if I were walking down the street and I saw you wearing these shoes, I'd probably run away screaming in terror. Don't take it personally.

Exhibit C: "I Have A Pointy Shoe and I Will Use it Against You"

Sure, they seem innocent at first glance, but I wouldn't mess with anyone wearing these. Neither will you if you enjoy your eyes where they are.

Exhibit D: The "I Act Before I Think"

Tan-lines? What do you mean "tan-lines?"

Exhibit E: No words

Does this remind anyone else of those cushiony playthings at Boomers?

Luckily, most people we encounter on a daily basis DON'T wear shoes like this. But next time you meet someone, don't be afraid to take a peak at their feet. It truly does say a lot.

PS- Sorry if I offended any of my zero readers. Do you really like these shoes? Flaunt them, girl. Unless you want to wear B. Then, I probably won't talk to you.

It's not you, it's me.

And it Breaks my Heart

So, just as my faith in humanity was beginning to be restored, something terrible happened. Let me back this story up.
Earlier today, my friend and I were having this awesome conversation about music. I causally mentioned my 7th grade sister's freakish obsession with One Direction (she's a self-proclaimed Directioner.) We decided to implement a plan to slowly transition her into something less shameful. I had high hopes; I was starting to see my sister in a new light.
Suddenly, something extremely uncalled for happened. She volunteered to read my 7-year-old brother a bedtime story. Respectable, right? WRONG. Wanna know what she was reading? Are you ready? She was reading the freaking autobiographies of the guys in One Direction. Like seriously?
But wait, it doesn't stop there! When she was finished, she decided to list their blood types. So yes, now when my brother goes to school on Monday and his teacher asks him what he learned over the weekend, he's going to tell her that Harry Styles has type B+ blood. That's not even a good type.  Like seriously, at least have the decency to have a blood type with which you can universally donate. Gosh.
His blood would.

Fridays.

It's Friday, I get it. We're all tired, and nearing the end of the school year, we're surprised we're still functioning somewhat normally. However, we students aren't the only ones that are mentally deteriorating by the end of the week. Case study #1: My parents.

Example A: This morning, my mom and I were up eating breakfast and watching the news. A short clip came on after a transformer explosion last night in a neighboring township.
My mother: "Oh! I thought they meant transformers like the movie!"
Yes, mom. That makes perfect sense. You keep thinking that, I'll just go to school now.

Example B: On our way to the grocery store, my dad was lecturing me and my sister about the declining standards of American education.
My sister: "I know there are 50 states, I just don't know what all of them are called."
My dad: "Seriously? By the time I was in 6th grade, I could name every country and its capital, on top of the 29 Mexican states I had memorized."
Me: "Dad, you do know there are 31 states in Mexico, right?"
Oh, the irony.
Yeah it's late, I get that too. I should probably go to sleep now.

um what?

Over these past two weeks, I've been through way too many boxes of tissues. Actually, I cried so much that I burst a couple blood vessels under my eyes. On the seniors' last day, I cried 7 times in school alone. Prior to that, I had never cried in public. I don't think I'm ready to grow up. With only two days of my junior year ahead of me, I'm about to enter the crazy world of college applications. I continually feel like I messed up junior year so much, for so many reasons. Next week, I'm set to go on three college visits, what? Where did my childhood go? I vividly remember the first day of fifth grade. We sat in a circle and talked about ourselves (I'm really good at that, in case you haven't noticed.) The girl next to me talked about how her sister started her first day of sophomore year. I remember thinking,"what's a softmore?" And look at me now! Graduation is on Friday.Then, I'm a senior. A SENIOR. I'm 16 years old and 4'11. I can still order off the kids menu for pete's sake. I'm not ready for this. Can someone please give me my life back? Please?

I have to write an essay by 6 pm

In an attempt to refrain from studying for finals a couple more hours, I'll just explain the origin of all of my names/titles. My display name comes from the song "A Man of a Thousand Faces" by Regina Spektor. My blog title comes from a song off one of my favorite albums, "Aim and Ignite" by fun. Finally, my URL comes from the song "Reading Time with Pickle," also by Regina Spektor. I chose this because I feel that we as people tend to place importance on objects that don't really matter, and forget that at the end of the day, pickles really are just pickles. I don't particularly care for pickles, but I sure love Regina Spektor. You'll probably hear more from her later :)

Time to Begin

You know, I've always wanted to have a blog. And have people read it. Maybe readers would think I was cool or something. But probably not, cause no one is going to read this. That's okay though, I'll just keep high-fiving myself.